Respecting Yourself.
One day you wake up and everything is different. Whether you want it to be or not.
There comes a moment in every girls life where she has a liberating moment, a light bulb on moment, where she realizes that she is selling herself short. It usually comes after a period of hurting where you have let yourself become a mopey bum of sorts consumed by blames and regret. It can happen over a boy, a job, a friend, any kind of disappointment that just really shakes you up a bit.
Today this happened to me. I spent all of last night laying in bed, trying to think about things and come up with ways I could feel better. I have been doing this for weeks. Praying to feel better and see a reason for all of this. That was when I had my light bulb come on. I frantically woke up this morning and reached for my journal. I had so many thoughts coming from my heart that I needed to get out.
You might be thinking, what is this girl even talking about and why is she laying in bed like a loser. Well, I am the classic case of the broken heart. Except I think I got the worst kind of broken heart, I was totally blind sided. Not only did I think we were good together, my family loved him, his family loved me. He was my best friend and we had been through so much. I wasn't aware how much I truly cared for him until it was gone. I hadn't been paying attention to what was really going on.
Yesterday was where this all began, this shift in me that went from me clinging to fix things, to me just wanting to fix myself. We had been hanging out and three little words came out of his mouth "I don't care" I think at that point in time I said to myself, woah he can't mean that, how could he mean that about me? He's just putting up walls. I even tried to get him to say he was lying, which I don't think he was. Little did I know that I would replay the moment he said those three stupid words in my head over and over until I reached a shifting point. The one I talked about earlier. The shift came from deep inside me where all these crazy feelings have been stored up for the last few weeks. Let me tell you, watch out because when you have strong feelings for someone and you lose them you will do and say crazy things to try to make them stay. You cant contain yourself. This place of wanting to fix things has shifted inside me. All it took was hearing those three words. I had clung to this idea that one day everything would be ok. That he still cared about me he was just in a bad spot. Well not only did he say he didn't care, but he showed me he didn't care. That is when I realized that all the reasons I had for holding onto him were gone. Vanished in one sentence.
I let myself fall for him because I thought he would protect me and my heart. False. It was an empty promise. I needed to guard my heart and not let it so freely go to someone else. I had linked my happiness to another person. Mistake. I am what makes me happy, and only me. If someone wants to be apart of my happiness or even add to it that is fine, but I hold the key to my happiness. I clung to someone who doesn't deserve my efforts. Failure. I failed myself by clinging to anyone. I am a strong girl, I have always been independent and I need to be myself again. I also figured out that I am a fixer. I put so much of myself into making someone else happy, if they are happy I am "happy" but not really....what happens is that I forget that I need to be happy for me not for someone else. I started to think back to our relationship, all the things I had done. I was truly selfless in the relationship, and even now. I can think of multiple things I had planned or cards I had written or just nice things I had done. The sad part is coming... I can't think of one thing that he did for me on his own. Lets be clear here, I am not saying I wanted him to buy me things or spoil me or any of that garbage, I simply wanted effort. Girls need to feel that effort or else it causes them to feel insecure. Why had I been so blind? I honestly a few days ago couldn't stop and see that. All I could see was this perfect person that I didn't want to leave my life. It still goes on and off. Its a fight to keep him out of my head. Underneath all of this I know that I deserve better. I deserve someone who loves me, only me and for all the things that make me, Ashley. I am never going to be someone else. It wont happen.
I also realized through all of this that I have only been hurting myself. One way is that like I said earlier he doesn't care, so why should I?
Another, is letting him occupy my thoughts and time when he doesn't want me. I need to feel wanted and loved. End of story. If thats not the position he is in then that is fine but I cant let him take up room in my heart where I cant find anyone else. I haven't been able to let myself move on because every time I look at someone, they just aren't him. The truth is no one will ever be him. He is a rare bird of sorts. That doesn't mean there isn't someone out there who is perfect just for me. I need to stop pushing other people away. People who show true interest in me on a daily basis.
I started this blog to help get my feelings out and to share with other girls how to not be stuck. The feeling of helplessness and rejection is probably the worst feeling I have ever felt in my life. I think it hurts more than physical pain by far. With physical pain you know there is an ending point. You take medicine it goes away, or you heal. I am not sure there is a cure for a broken heart, it is scary to think how long something like this might affect you. You have to wake up one morning and decide for yourself that this is it. No more. You have to put an end to the desperation, the trying. You have to realize everything will be ok. Accept that it is over and move on or you might just miss the right person walking through your life.
- Ashley